Drifting Away

Well, it's been awhile since I've posted anything. I could attribute it to writer's block, and that might be partially true, but I won't. I could say I've been too busy, and it is true, but I don't think it's why. I haven't been able to get my thoughts in words that fit. I've had the thoughts, I've written them down, but nothing worth sharing for awhile. I shall hopefully be posting more often now. To get started, here's a poem I wrote recently.

As life moves through time
The dear ones drift away
Leaving you behind
You surround yourself
New people
Unknowns
Searching
Daring to hope
For another one
One with whom you can be yourself
Instead of the guarded soul
Soul of the public realm
Instead of that, you
No worrying about impressions
Confident
Safe
Knowing you’re loved
And don’t have to be perfect
Why are you leaving me?
Where are you going?
Gone
Hurt
Waves of sadness
Days of solitude
Shut off the heart
Lock up the soul
And go into auto-mode
Where you don’t have to open up
But just act like you should
So no one can see
See the mess
See you
Forgotten
Perhaps
You suffocate behind the mask
Stifle potential
Until you are the shell
Oh please no!
Don’t leave me here
Here to rot
Please still care for me
Come back
Share life
And love
And prayers
And hopes
Oh God, please keep them safe
And if You will, bring them back
Back into my life

"O Lord, all my longing is before you; my sighing is not hidden from you." ~Psalm 38:9

Through God's grace and power,
Ericka

Do It Yourself

"Are you so foolish? Having begun by the Spirit are you now being perfected by the flesh? Did you suffer so many things in vain--if indeed it was in vain? Does he who supplies the Spirit to you and works miracles among you do so by works of the law or by hearing with faith?" -Galatians 3:3-5 ESV

I have a love-hate relationship with this verse. I am an independent person. I like to do things by myself, figure things out by myself, and stand on my own two feet. I have a hard time relying on other people and I like to be in charge. Every time God brings this verse to my attention, which is more often than I like, it's like a slap over the head. I think I can do everything myself. Some of it is our culture's emphasis on independence and self-reliance, but most of it is me and my need to do things myself. Often times I approach my need to grow in Christ with the same attitude that I face life with. I want to fix things myself. I want to change myself. And I've tried it, I keep trying it. It doesn't work.

"Are you so foolish? After beginning with the Spirit, are you now trying to attain your goal by human effort? Have you suffered so much for nothing--if it really was for nothing? Does God give you his Spirit and work miracles among you because you observe the law, or because you believe what you heard?" -Galatians 3:3-5 NIV

It doesn't work because it's not meant to work. We can't pound out our lives. We can't become like Christ on our own. Not by our own strength anyway. This is a real battle for me, one that I constantly have to consciously fight. Part of surrendering my life to God is to trust him. To let go of my white-knuckled grip on the reigns of my life and to allow God to redirect it. He wants to reshape me, and he'll be with me the entire way. I have to lean on him and let him get me through it. Every day, every hour and more I have to remind myself to give God control and stop trying to fix myself. I can't do it alone. I don't have to do it alone. Thank goodness. What a relief. God is at my side, ready to take the stress of life and show me the way if I'd just let him. He surrounds me with godly people to uplift, encourage and straighten me out. Praise be to him! I'm ending this post by sharing a song I discovered a week ago that speaks to my heart on this subject.

By God's grace,
Ericka

Loving the Family

I am going to be posting my thoughts on a verse or passage either ever day, or every other day, for awhile. Maybe most of the summer. A friend of mine gave me the idea, and I think it's a great way to really meditate on scripture. So, it's mostly for me, but by posting my thoughts on a verse I'm reading, I'm setting up an accountability factor that I need. Here's the first one: 

"Finally, all of you, have unity of mind, sympathy, brotherly love, a tender heart, and a humble mind. Do not repay evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary, bless, for to this you were called, that you may obtain a blessing." -1 Peter 3:8-9

I haven't been home from college very long, one week today, but I already find myself falling back into my bad habits of treating my siblings in a way that isn't God-honoring. Most the time it is small things, little snarky comments, or snapping back when someone snaps at me. My patience and tolerance is pretty long with most people, but for some reason very short with my family. This verse speaks to me about my actions with my siblings. I find myself forgetting to look at them through God's love and instead expecting them to live up to what I know they're capable of, and know they should do, and that tends to irritate me. But instead, I should love them. I need to humble myself, set a good example (being the eldest, this is my lot in life), and encourage them to do better. It won't be easy, to break old habits, but with Yahweh's strength and the Holy Spirit's guidance, I can create new and more godly ones. I was called to love and bless everyone, especially my family, it's an important aspect of my life that I'm trying to get right with God. 

Triumphant

Well, I did it. I survived my first year of college.

And I can't believe it's already been a year. It seems like just yesterday I showed up on campus, so clueless in the face of so many unknowns, and now I'm leaving a veteran, a sophomore. I've learned a lot. And not only academically, but also about life and my relationship with God and others. I'm not the same person I was this time last year.

What a bittersweet moment. The stress and pressure are gone, evaporated as things are completed. And now, I have a few days to rest and recuperate before throwing myself into my many summer plans and goals. But I'll miss the people who I've spent the past nine months with.

It's scary how fast time passes. Even when the days seem long and somewhat monotonous, time is racing by. Treasure your moments. Live in the now, with a perspective set on eternity. Don't let your past control you or your future monopolize your energy. Live for others, by God's strength, to make a difference and let the almighty Lord take care of everything else.

Use your time wisely, cause it's gone in the blink of an eye.

The Conversation

I know this may be a girl thing, but I have suspicions that guys enjoy this as well; they just don’t talk about it like girls do. But, don’t you just love when you can have a good, long conversation with a close friend? Do you know what I’m talking about? Where you sit and listen to what’s going on in your friend’s life. The little things, the hard things, whatever comes up.  And then they do the same for you. You can talk about anything. It’s all comfortable. You know you’re safe. You know the other person cares and that you won’t be rejected or judged. It’s a great feeling. After a conversation like that, everything looks better.

I find myself missing out on this in my relationship with God. In our society, and culture, we’re constantly carrying on trivial conversations with each other. And we often need to have heart-to-hearts to keep ourselves sane. But, I don’t do this with God. Sure, I think about him, I try to pray to him. But it isn’t a conversation.

My grandma has a favorite saying she likes to rebuke us grandkids with when she thinks we’re being antisocial. She says, “Conversations is like a game of catch. You can’t hold onto it, you have to pass it back.” And she’s right, no matter how much that rubbed the wrong way when she offered it as advice. When you have a conversation, you share a little bit of yourself with someone who returns the gift. You give and you get. You learn and you teach. After talking with someone, you know them better than before.

Why don’t we talk with God? How are we supposed to know him if we don’t speak with him? How are we supposed to know what he’s like, and what his perspective on everything is, if we give him the cold shoulder? Now...there are several ways to carry on a conversation with God. He reveals himself to use through the beauty of his creation. His actual words in the Bible. And how the Holy Spirit works in us and in our daily circumstances.

Have you ever thought about luck? People attribute a lot of things to our friend Luck. Now, Luck has an evil twin, as I’m sure you’ve heard. So between him and his twin, they encompass just about everything good and bad random things that happen to us. Funny thing about that. Luck, doesn’t exist. Every good and perfect thing comes from our Lord. It’s not luck, it’s God. What about the bad? Well... Our world is fallen, bad is the sad, unnatural state of things at the moment, and will remain so until the day that our Savior returns. The little things that people commonly attribute to Luck, they’re really God’s work. If we would take notice, and give him the credit, we would see his hand in things so much more.

Now, back to the conversation. The hypothetical ball of our conversation with God rests in our hands. How do we pass it? How do we get it back? Praying is a funny thing. It’s associated with pleading and groveling to God. Now, I don’t mean that in a bad way... But when you pray you’re supposed to confess your sins, throw a couple of praises in, and make your petitions.  Now I’m generalizing, and I know that’s shallow, the truth is, that’s what my perspective loosely was about a year ago. I knew praying was serious, but it was also forced.

But, my perspective is being molded into something new. Prayer is you expressing yourself. It’s not something you have to do, it’s something you get to do (Yes Dad, I heard you all the times you gave me the have/get line). It’s explaining your joys, troubles, and turbulent emotions to someone who is always listening, always trustworthy, infinitely loving, and impossibly wise. Someone who wants to hear your thoughts. Who will listen to your requests. It’s a beautiful, instant access to someone who’s better than best and always knows what the right answer is. His answers aren’t usually words, but the little things that we tend to overlook. The verse we read that morning, a story someone tells, a small event that creates a ray of light. Often, I find after unburdening my heart, I find a sense of peace, a lifting of a weight. Amazingly similar to when I’ve had a talk with a friend (Coincidence? I think not).

My question is, why does it take trouble for us to realize we’ve dropped the conversation? We’re clutching the ball and watching the world instead of focusing on the glorious Savior who’s right in front of us. Only after he’s ‘hello-ed’ us a couple of times, and maybe snapped his finger in front of our unfocused gaze do we start and turn back to him. Why does it happen? Because of the forced feeling? Because we don’t look for responses? Why?

Perhaps we don’t concentrate? We’re too easily distracted, even by our own minds. But we can ask the Holy Spirit to help us with that. What excuse do we have? We have a flawless ear turned to our hearts, already knowing what’s inside of us, yet still loving. He’s right there, waiting for you to pass the ball. All you have to do is turn back to him.

So...I believe we’ve discovered I have a lot to say on this matter. And I think that’s enough for now. I may revisit this topic again in the near, or distant, future. But either way, I’d like to leave you with a challenge, and some verses: 

I want to pray continually. I wear a bracelet with ‘Yahweh’ inscribed on it, as a visual reminder of my God—in an effort to pray more. Yet, I still find myself forgetting about God during my day-to-day life. I don’t want to turn to him when I’m in trouble; I want to already be safe in his arms. I want peace and assurance so I can have inexpressible joy in my barely comprehensible salvation until I practically radiate his light.  Remember him. Talk to your Savior and Friend.

 “Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guards your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. “ –Philippians 4:4-7

“Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

Focus

I have weak eyes. Not in the sense of vision, but my eye muscles are physically weak. It’s a type of convergence disorder where my eyes have trouble focusing together to form one image for my brain. When I was first diagnosed with this, I was often seeing two when I was reading or looking at things that were fairly close to me. To address the problem, I had to do about six months of eye therapy. This consisted of eye exercises to strengthen my eyes and train them to work together. After that, I could see fine, until college hit. After the first couple of months, I was experiencing the same symptoms and eye strain. It turns out that my eyes were being overworked and now I have to do eye therapy at least once a week or my eyes get tired and I struggle to focus what I'm seeing.

Focus is something that everyone struggles with. It’s your reasoning, your actions, your priorities and goals. Being in college, I’ve found that my focus is directed towards the path to preparing myself for a job and life. This translates into which classes I take, what activities I do, how much time I spend on homework, and when I go to bed.  Recently though, God has been working through my daily quiet times, messages I’ve heard at Church and Chapel (My university has chapel every school day; it’s awesome), and just through conversations with some of my close friends.  My focus needs to be shifted—trained.

My perspective on life is skewed and distorted. My focus is on my needs and wants—things like getting good grades and enough sleep to function, how I feel each day—nothing is wrong with these things, but they are often my focus. Paul’s words in Romans rocked me,

“For I could wish that I myself were cursed and cut off from Christ for the sake of my brothers, those of my own race” –Romans 9:3

Paul loved so much, that he would give up his salvation for his fellow Jews. He loved like Christ did. As the Jesus commanded, “Love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all you might. And love your neighbor as yourself.” My focus needs to change in response. I've been saved and redeemed from my sins. I’m called to live out my life for the glory of my Savior and to share the joy he’s given me. I’m called to be a servant-leader. My focus needs to be on God, then others. I need to leave my needs and desires in God’s hand, to trust that he will take care of them.

Just like I did, and do, have to do eye therapy to keep my focus, I also need to constantly check myself against the Bible. I need to train my perspective and build habits that moves my attention from me to those my life can impact.

Change to the glory of God.

~Ericka