Broken Heart

Friday night, while exhausted and preparing to say farewell to so many friends after an amazing week, I came upon a cluster of OYANers in an oblong shape, sitting on the ground with heads bowed in prayer. Some of the people I needed to talk to were participating, so I stood there for a few minutes, watching and waiting. Somewhere in those moments, something inside of me began to ache. I sat down, unable to figure myself out while focusing on standing upright. It kept getting worse. A pain in my heart kept growing and as I rested on a small rock with my head bowed and eyes closed, I asked God ‘Why, why? What’s going on?’ Somehow I knew that the heartbreak crashing over me was from Him, I just had no clue whom it was for. I kept praying and crying, ignoring those around me in an attempt to understand what the Holy Spirit was trying to communicate to me.

One of my friends sat down next to me, and as I scooted closer to cry on her shoulder, things didn’t get better. But she let me cry, asking no questions, just offering companionship and support. When I finally recovered a bit, I couldn’t explain why I had broken down. Not that I was pushing her away, I simply still didn’t know what was going on.

At that point, being even more exhausted and emotional than I’d started with, I discovered that a friend of mine who I’d been praying for had just been saved. Halleluiah! My first thought after pure joy was to wonder if he’d been who I was intensely praying and hurting for... But the pain was still there, and it didn’t seem to quite fit, so I thanked God for the blessing and praised Him for his glory.

It was about then that an inkling of an idea flickered through my head. The answer surprised me, and I questioned whether it was really right. But as time passed, the notion only got stronger.

The level of comfort I’d reached so quickly while at the OYAN workshop, the lack of my self-consciousness that is usually so present, and the group of people who were pouring their hearts out to God, together... He was telling me something. Peeling back a hardened layer that covered my heart like a turtle shell. Showing me what trust really looks like and how safe I am in his arms—something I’ve been praying about for awhile.

This vision of His love has left my heart a little raw, but I wouldn’t have traded the experience for anything. As I head back to normal life, I pray my heart stays a little more broken and my friends a little closer. But most importantly, that I rest in trust in my Father’s love in a deeper sense than ever before. 

Ever learning,
Ericka

Do It Yourself

"Are you so foolish? Having begun by the Spirit are you now being perfected by the flesh? Did you suffer so many things in vain--if indeed it was in vain? Does he who supplies the Spirit to you and works miracles among you do so by works of the law or by hearing with faith?" -Galatians 3:3-5 ESV

I have a love-hate relationship with this verse. I am an independent person. I like to do things by myself, figure things out by myself, and stand on my own two feet. I have a hard time relying on other people and I like to be in charge. Every time God brings this verse to my attention, which is more often than I like, it's like a slap over the head. I think I can do everything myself. Some of it is our culture's emphasis on independence and self-reliance, but most of it is me and my need to do things myself. Often times I approach my need to grow in Christ with the same attitude that I face life with. I want to fix things myself. I want to change myself. And I've tried it, I keep trying it. It doesn't work.

"Are you so foolish? After beginning with the Spirit, are you now trying to attain your goal by human effort? Have you suffered so much for nothing--if it really was for nothing? Does God give you his Spirit and work miracles among you because you observe the law, or because you believe what you heard?" -Galatians 3:3-5 NIV

It doesn't work because it's not meant to work. We can't pound out our lives. We can't become like Christ on our own. Not by our own strength anyway. This is a real battle for me, one that I constantly have to consciously fight. Part of surrendering my life to God is to trust him. To let go of my white-knuckled grip on the reigns of my life and to allow God to redirect it. He wants to reshape me, and he'll be with me the entire way. I have to lean on him and let him get me through it. Every day, every hour and more I have to remind myself to give God control and stop trying to fix myself. I can't do it alone. I don't have to do it alone. Thank goodness. What a relief. God is at my side, ready to take the stress of life and show me the way if I'd just let him. He surrounds me with godly people to uplift, encourage and straighten me out. Praise be to him! I'm ending this post by sharing a song I discovered a week ago that speaks to my heart on this subject.

By God's grace,
Ericka