Broken Heart

Friday night, while exhausted and preparing to say farewell to so many friends after an amazing week, I came upon a cluster of OYANers in an oblong shape, sitting on the ground with heads bowed in prayer. Some of the people I needed to talk to were participating, so I stood there for a few minutes, watching and waiting. Somewhere in those moments, something inside of me began to ache. I sat down, unable to figure myself out while focusing on standing upright. It kept getting worse. A pain in my heart kept growing and as I rested on a small rock with my head bowed and eyes closed, I asked God ‘Why, why? What’s going on?’ Somehow I knew that the heartbreak crashing over me was from Him, I just had no clue whom it was for. I kept praying and crying, ignoring those around me in an attempt to understand what the Holy Spirit was trying to communicate to me.

One of my friends sat down next to me, and as I scooted closer to cry on her shoulder, things didn’t get better. But she let me cry, asking no questions, just offering companionship and support. When I finally recovered a bit, I couldn’t explain why I had broken down. Not that I was pushing her away, I simply still didn’t know what was going on.

At that point, being even more exhausted and emotional than I’d started with, I discovered that a friend of mine who I’d been praying for had just been saved. Halleluiah! My first thought after pure joy was to wonder if he’d been who I was intensely praying and hurting for... But the pain was still there, and it didn’t seem to quite fit, so I thanked God for the blessing and praised Him for his glory.

It was about then that an inkling of an idea flickered through my head. The answer surprised me, and I questioned whether it was really right. But as time passed, the notion only got stronger.

The level of comfort I’d reached so quickly while at the OYAN workshop, the lack of my self-consciousness that is usually so present, and the group of people who were pouring their hearts out to God, together... He was telling me something. Peeling back a hardened layer that covered my heart like a turtle shell. Showing me what trust really looks like and how safe I am in his arms—something I’ve been praying about for awhile.

This vision of His love has left my heart a little raw, but I wouldn’t have traded the experience for anything. As I head back to normal life, I pray my heart stays a little more broken and my friends a little closer. But most importantly, that I rest in trust in my Father’s love in a deeper sense than ever before. 

Ever learning,
Ericka